I turned 40 years old this past Tuesday the 6th of January. Thank you for all the birthday wishes on Facebook. I spent 40 hours on a retreat by myself, no kids, no husband just me doing what I wanted. Sound selfish or does it sound awesome to you? Do you feel like you could never ask for what you want or do what you want? A few days before my birthday I posted this on Facebook:
I am turning 40 in a few days and it took the past 4 weeks and 40 years of my life to learn how to start asking for what I need and more importantly what I want. Do you ask for you want? Or do you shy away because you put others needs in front of yours, or you think you don’t really need it, or you are afraid of rejection or disappointment. #almost40
The response I got was overwhelming. Many women and men are not asking for what they need.
I spend every day putting others first, even total strangers. It has taken a major toll on my health over the past few years and though I will continue to serve and bless others its time to take care of me and that starts with asking for what I want and need! – Health and WellnessCoach & Mom of 5 children from 17- 5 months old
So why do we put everyone else first but ourselves? Here were some of your answers:
I’m a people pleaser. I hate confrontation. I don’t like to disappoint people and I fear rejection.
It’s hard for me to ask for what I need, I put others needs before my own. I am afraid of disappointment, which is why I rarely ask.
Put others needs in front of mine mostly and fear of rejection and disappointment.
And I’ve always feared coming across as selfish when I want too much for myself.
I tend to give give give and burn out. Learning more how to ask so I do not.
Probably 60/40. I still hesitate not so much out of fear but concern that I am being too selfish. Then I get a grip and realize who better than will really know what I need.
Some of you are more comfortable serving others than receiving help. Here is a comment from a woman who loves to serve but is understanding that it’s also good to receive too.
I am by far way more comfortable serving others needs than being served. One day after leaving someone’s home that I had the privilege of caring for, I was overwhelmed by the joy of being able to be a blessing to this person. It was then that God showed me that by being “self sufficient” instead of accepting help when I am in need, I was robbing the other person of their blessing in serving my needs.
It appears that with age comes wisdom. Some of the women who are older than me gave me these comments:
I ask now, if I need help with anything. Too many years, I did it all, and making me last (it was exhausting!), no more!! It’s my time now!. And I’m not afraid to say No, if I don’t want something, or don’t want to do something. I can say NO without feeling guilty!! But it took me till 60 not or 40 to figure it out!! Glad you did 20 years before me!
I flat out ask. I used to hint around without success.
Yes, it takes us some time to figure this out, but once you do…look out! Your life will take on a whole new meaning!!
There is something about 40 that changes your brain and the things you have dealt with all your life look different.
So there it is 40 and now finally understanding that I need to ask for what I want. But first we must understand what it is we want, be able to communicate it effectively, and lastly be okay if a person or group of individuals can not give us what it is we need or want.
This topic leads us to an important topic for 2015 I like to call SELF CARE. Self Care is more than getting some daily exercise, enough sleep, getting our hair done or a massage. We will discover more about Self Care this year for yours and my benefit. They say each year you should think of a word or phrase that will lead you throughout it. For me it’s SELF CARE… so that is what you will see monthly in our blogs.
Our first assignment is figuring out what it is we need and want and learning how to effectively ask for it.
Last year I coached a mom to be sure to communicate effectively to her husband before a big anniversary date in which he normally gave her expensive jewelry that what she really wanted and what would bring her much more joy and peace was a weekly cleaning lady. She did it and guess what? Every Friday she comes home to clean toilets, mop floors, vacuum rugs, and clean sheets on their beds. Recognizing what she needed, asking effectively and the husband responding to her wishes makes this mom so much happier and makes him a SUPERSTAR in her eyes every week.
Your turn. Figure out this week something you need and who it is that can assist you with that. Communicate with them directly what it is you need. Be okay with whatever the answer is. Let us know how it goes over on our Facebook Page.
For your Total Wellness,
Mary Starr Carter
the Total Wellness Doc and Mom
Disclaimer: This information is not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. It’s strictly for informational, educational, or entertainment purposes ONLY. The products I talk about are not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. Any information I give you about them is for informational or entertainment purposes only. They have not been evaluated or approved by the FDA. Please seek the qualified health professional of your choice when making health decisions for yourself, your family and your pets.